“FBI! This is your last warning, open this door or we will bust it down!”
I open the door, “What the fuck do you want?” I ask.
“We have a warrant for the arrest of the nefarious hacker Jimmy O'Toole AKA Ac1d.”
“On what charges?”
Just then swat rams down the door pushing me into a wall. “What the fuck!” I scream.
“Search the place, I want any and all traces of any illegal activity bagged and tagged. Here you go dick head”, the FBI agent said handing me the warrant. “Consider yourself served.”
As the FBI ransacked the place, I could do nothing but sit there in awe, praying that they didn't find the safe. Sure as shit, ten minutes later....
“Boss, we got a safe here.” One of the FBI cronies said.
“SHIT!” I thought.
“Rip it open.” The man leading the RAID said.
As the FBI ripped open the safe, hundreds upon hundreds of flash drives poured out.
“Now, now what do we have here?” The lead agent asked.
“Just a bunch of backup flash drives.” I retorted, “what else did you think it was?”
“Oh, I don't know... maybe a back up copies of all the identities you've stolen over the years.” The agent said with a smug look on his face.
“Uh no.” I said, “you've got the wrong guy, I am not a hacker … just a mere programmer and computer enthusiast and those flash drives are just backup of my code that I have written over the years.”
“So you wouldn't mind us plugging them in?”
“I encrypt the drives, you know, for copyright issues. One can never be too careful with their custom coding projects.”
While all this is going on, they still haven't found the girl or any of the drugs.
“Sir, we found this one flushing something down the toilet in the bathroom.” One of the FBI agents said.
SHIT! I thought. They may not be able to get me on the identity fraud, but they can sure as hell get me on drug possession. Think fast AC1D. THINK DAMMIT.
“Uh, she was just flushing some expired prescriptions for me.” I responded.
“Oh is that so?” the lead agent asked.
“Yes, you arrogant prick.” I rebounded with.
“Alright dick-head you want to play? We’ll play.” The lead agent said.
“Jenkins, arrest them.”
“ON WHAT CHARGES?!?”
“On the charge of conspiracy, identity fraud, and just being an overall douchebag.”
“Jimmy I can’t go to jail!” She screamed.
“Bitch, just shut up, don’t say a word and it will be okay.”